book of letters
i may very well delete this, but here it is while i have the courage. my book of letters usually something only i read and write in, but i feel like being honest.
Phil,
I miss you. I hope you're having a blast!
I can't believe it's been a yr since you've been gone. It still hurts. But I feel ridiculous bc we were never really close.
I still feel so lost. I felt like I fell off the deep end the day you died. I'd already started having questions about God and my faith. I felt like He'd already let go of me before I started pushing Him away. It all hurts so much. I just want to be so numb to it all. I feel like me now and me before you died are two totally different people. I don't know if I'll ever make it back to the girl I was before and that tears me up inside. I miss her so much. How do I get back to who I was before, Phil? Maybe I should be praying-asking God, but I always knew that if I had a question, I could always ask you. You always cared about people-really loved them.
The day you died, I woke and saw my mom's im that you hadn't made it. The next few hours I spent crying, at the same time feeling numb. My heart was screaming, "WAKE UP, this HAS to be a dream, a really bad dream." I talked to some of the guys from the youth group. I just felt so angry and bitter. What made me maddest was that everyone seemed ok with it. I know you must've been, but it still hurt.
Becca called me later that afternoon-she needed her car for work. I wandered through the parking lot looking for her car, trying not to cry. I picked her up, but she didn't have to go to work right away. I told her I wouldn't be in class the following night and told her about you. She wanted to take me suntanning, to get a pedicure, for a ride, for ice cream, whatever I wanted. We got TCBY and went for a drive on the parkway. She understood how I felt and she said what I'd been thinking.
Your memorial was crazy. All I could do was cry. I told myself I'd hold it together, but when Tracy hugged me, I couldn't hold it in anymore.
I just want to wake up, Phil. I wanna wake up and find myself back before you died. I wanna be back on that Sunday @ CBC. I wish I had said hi. I wish I had asked how you were and how you'd been. I wish I'd said goodbye. You, like the rest of the youth group, were like family. I thought of you as another brother. I miss you. But what I miss most is the youth group. I miss my family.
-Shan
I edited this a bit and I feel ridiculous, but whatever.
I hope everyone's doing well.
Phil,
I miss you. I hope you're having a blast!
I can't believe it's been a yr since you've been gone. It still hurts. But I feel ridiculous bc we were never really close.
I still feel so lost. I felt like I fell off the deep end the day you died. I'd already started having questions about God and my faith. I felt like He'd already let go of me before I started pushing Him away. It all hurts so much. I just want to be so numb to it all. I feel like me now and me before you died are two totally different people. I don't know if I'll ever make it back to the girl I was before and that tears me up inside. I miss her so much. How do I get back to who I was before, Phil? Maybe I should be praying-asking God, but I always knew that if I had a question, I could always ask you. You always cared about people-really loved them.
The day you died, I woke and saw my mom's im that you hadn't made it. The next few hours I spent crying, at the same time feeling numb. My heart was screaming, "WAKE UP, this HAS to be a dream, a really bad dream." I talked to some of the guys from the youth group. I just felt so angry and bitter. What made me maddest was that everyone seemed ok with it. I know you must've been, but it still hurt.
Becca called me later that afternoon-she needed her car for work. I wandered through the parking lot looking for her car, trying not to cry. I picked her up, but she didn't have to go to work right away. I told her I wouldn't be in class the following night and told her about you. She wanted to take me suntanning, to get a pedicure, for a ride, for ice cream, whatever I wanted. We got TCBY and went for a drive on the parkway. She understood how I felt and she said what I'd been thinking.
Your memorial was crazy. All I could do was cry. I told myself I'd hold it together, but when Tracy hugged me, I couldn't hold it in anymore.
I just want to wake up, Phil. I wanna wake up and find myself back before you died. I wanna be back on that Sunday @ CBC. I wish I had said hi. I wish I had asked how you were and how you'd been. I wish I'd said goodbye. You, like the rest of the youth group, were like family. I thought of you as another brother. I miss you. But what I miss most is the youth group. I miss my family.
-Shan
I edited this a bit and I feel ridiculous, but whatever.
I hope everyone's doing well.
posted by sweetpmoments @ 9:57 PM
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