influence

so the past...o, i dunno, while i've been thinking about influence. how people influence you, how things influence you, how things should influence you, whether influence is a good thing or a bad thing, and just about every angle you could look at the issue of influence from. and honestly, i'm still just as confused as ever. it's generally accepted that if an influence causes you to do something good or whatever, it's a good thing. that kind of influence is a good thing. on the other hand, if it causes you to do somethin that isn't generally accepted as good, then that influence is a bad thing. and then you get into the whole argument of relativity. and then your brain gets overloaded and you have the biggest headache of your life and just want a nap. or maybe that's just me....i like naps. how can you even begin to sort somethin out with all the different arguments and angles that can come along with somethin? even somethin as simple as simple as what color should i paint my rm? or should i hang out w/so and so tonight? (i never understood the saying "so and so"...i'm sorry, but it just doesn't make sense, but considering the things i'm discussing in this post don't make sense to me, it seemed appopriate here...)

you could begin by asking, what do i want to influence me, but then you're launching yourself into a bigger argument of "who do i want to be and what do i want to be about?", bc things in your life do influence you, no matter how big or small, etc. so many things that influence you can influence you subconsciously, in which case, you don't even realize it unless you really sit down and do some in depth reflection and even then, you many not realize how some things have influenced you. (is the headache getting worse? mine is...) it's like standing right outside a mall full of revolving doors and thinking about stepping into one. you can either step into it and be constantly going in these thoughts in hopes of getting some answers or figuring some out. or, you can decide to avoid the revolving doors altogether. i keep trying to step into these revolving doors for a minute and then i'm so exhausted, that i have to step out. the conclusion i've come to is that you have to start with some truth that you accept. establish and build. the thing i'm starting to build on is that although i belive that God exists and he created everything, i'm angry with him. you may say that you can't just sit and be angry, you should make a choice as to what you do with that. well, the fact that i'm angry at God leads me to make the choice that i don't wanna live for him anymore. i can't reconcile some issues. i hate this bc it changes my relationships with others. my friends, who i've got to church with for the past12-13 yrs, believe one thing and it influences them to live a certain way. i feel kinda how i picture the pilgrims felt, coming over to America. they had to decide, when they got here, how they were gonna live. what rules they were gonna set and follow. america must've seemed so scary...the great unknown at the time. they had somethin i don't though. they had beliefs before they started, which was part of the reason many of them left europe. they wanted to live those beliefs freely. now that i think of it, i guess i'm not so different. but they knew what they could/would do bc of those beliefs. the thing about influence is, i want to figure out where i stand on things in my life, but i don't feel like i can do that bc of the influence of others. i feel like i'm always trying to appease and please others. and in doing so, i haven't been making my own decisions about things and beliefs. but i think that even if i were to go somewhere where i don't know anybody and try to start over, i would be influenced by the people around me. i would still want to please those around me. which basically shows that it's a problem of me. i've gotta learn how to make my decisions about my beliefs and my life and not worry what others think. (to a degree) and now my headache has only gotten bigger. i think it's time for a long nap that i like to call night sleep time.